I Am About to Tell You Something That Terrifies Me!

I’m going to tell you something that brings me fear and anxiety telling others.

Are you ready to hear it?
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Feeling vulnerable here. It’s terrifying.
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But I’m going for it. Here it is:
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I took the WHOLE weekend to myself and went on a retreat.

There, I said it.

What’s the big deal you’re thinking?

It’s only 2 days, people do it all the time, etc., right?

But it goes SO much deeper than that for me, and for many of us.

There are so many unconscious societal messages that have been DEEPLY engrained in that it is so difficult to completely free myself from them.

Even if I am someone who knows intellectually about the importance of time away, nurturing the self, having fun, taking breaks, etc.

My knowing that this is “good for me” competes with 40+ years of societal programming.

🌿 I am afraid that I will be judged for leaving my very young kids (one still nursing).

🌿 I am afraid that I will be judged for being “that mom” who has all the time to herself, which is not true of course!

🌿 I’m afraid that this will make others (single parents, those with less resources, etc.) feel even more alone because taking time is not possible.

And I could go on and on….

It’s EXHAUSTING.😫

Isn’t it so silly that I (and WE) spend so much time trying to control what others will think of us! In so many areas of our lives.

Think about this for a moment:

🌱 We are trained as women by larger societal structures that pleasure (and time for self) comes last after everything is done of course.

Which, is a BIG LIE because everything will NEVER get done and this is a set-up for us to never do pleasurable things.

And then when time for pleasure, or us, (call it whatever it is) comes around, we’re too fucking exhausted and dead to the world to do anything. 🥱

You feel me?🙋‍♀️

You FINALLY get to “you” time, and you just collapse or can’t decide what to do.

So you do the “next best thing”, which might involve a tub of ice vegan ice cream and your phone. 🍫

All good if this feels restorative, meaningful, & nourishing for you.

But the problem arises when you want more but can’t because of the above cycle.

Sound familiar?🙈

As Mothers, WE DO NOT OFTEN SHARE ABOUT THE THINGS THAT WE ARE DOING FOR US THAT ARE HELPFUL, HEALING, & SUPPORTIVE.

👉Think about this for a moment. Think of the last 3 conversation you had with mom friends.

I bet they revolved something around stress of kids, challenge, or something similar.

We are so used to joining & relating with each other in our struggle.

We talk about everything that is a challenge (which is legit an important) but it’s tough to step into a space where we talk about joy, pleasure, and time away for US.

Because it can feel scary, vulnerable, and, well, up for judgement. 

Because the unconscious conditioning of a being a “good” mom means she sacrifices herself for others.

Because of the “mom guilt”

Because of “what will other people think?”

✨Mama, it’s time to radically shift this and step into a relationship with yourself that is honouring of your needs.✨

I will leave you with a HUGE MIND-BLOWING moment I had on my retreat. 👇

During the retreat, I met someone who shared with me that they were sensing that I chose to go on this retreat from a place of self-love, knowing, seeking, & determination.  

And NOT from a place of victimhood.

WOAH! This blew my mind. 🤯

You see, what I immediately noticed and jotted down in my journal when settled in my retreat was this:

“I am in a different place arriving here today than I was 4 months ago. I did not wait until I was completely exhausted and on my way to burnout to prioritize nurturing time for ME”.

This is in contrast to my journal entry in April arriving at the same retreat centre:

“How do I feel? Grateful, shame, nervous, tired, glazy-eyed, trying not to be performative, feeling conflicted about this but @ the same time knowing I need to start somewhere.”

Do you also see the STARK difference in 4 months???

Coming from a place of shame & complete exhaustion to a place of awareness of my patterns and, most importantly action and love for ME.  

And this is possible for YOU TOO mama! 💛

If you are still reading, I sense YOU are ready to go on your own retreat.

And to stand in your own power and say those words out loud too!

Yours in transformation,
Jen

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